Swati, a financial planner in her late 20s, had been dating a guy for a few months online. Once things seemed to proceed, they went on a first date. Then the second and third. Most of the time it was her taking the centre stage and discussing interesting topics like the history of coffee, the evolution of pizza or the influence of the European food habits in ours.
On the fourth date again, it was her initiating a conversation while her date nodded slurping noodles. That’s when she realised something — he wasn’t listening. She noticed that she was too into him to realise this the first time. He had never listened or discussed things that mattered to her and probably wouldn’t in the future. Had she not worn the rosy glasses of looking at her relationship, she could have spotted the red flags in the first go instead of mourning over a tub of icecream and rewatching Bridget Jones Diary to gather herself all over again.
Swati isn’t the only one who has ignored red flags and then suffered a setback later. We all have at some point. So what could be the obvious things that we all overlook and then regret? Especially in the time of lockdown where we are foraging new connections online, it is essential to not ignore even minor red flags. We asked a few users and curated the most common ones.
He/she gets too pushy
It is one thing to get comfortable and open up about personal things, but is an another thing altogether to give constant suggestions and complaints. If your date gives you a lot of should-haves and could-haves in your first or second date itself, chances are that the person could get controlling and aggressive over a period of time. You might not see if at first but they could have a lot of personal problems and negativity within themselves. So watch out for this behaviour and if it persists for a few dates, don’t ignore this red flag.
Has no opinion whatsoever
It is okay to be easy going but if the person you are dating relies on you for all decisions, right from choosing a restaurant to meet, whether to meet or not or what to order, this is something you need to be careful about. Chances are they might be fighting a low self-confidence and this could reflect in your relationship later down the road. Having no opinion or holding back from sharing their opinions is a red flag to watch out for.
Gets gross too soon
We all want to advance with physical intimacy eventually while dating someone. However, if the person is too restless to give it time and bounces at every opportunity to make gross, sexual comments, you need to take a step back. It is all okay to get comfortable with our partners but when one is not yet ready for making sexual advances and the other keeps hinting at the gross bodily things, then maybe you don’t want to get in bed with their attitudes.
You have to keep the conversation going all on your own
You are a person who loves to indulge in passionate, intense talks but not a monologue. So if your partner seems to make you feel that you are giving a TED talk, that’s when you should be analysing certain behaviours. For instance, everytime you talk, they are scrolling through social media on their phones, or just nodding without any eye contact. This indicates that they want to pretend they are listening but are actually not. Also, every time you start discussing something, if they cut you short saying they are not ready for your monologue, BAM! There, they have rubbed it on your face.
They don’t really have anything interesting to say after the initial weeks of dating
Have you faced situations where your partner was all charming, flirty and funny in the initial few weeks when you connected on a match-making app? And then once they knew you are interested in them, the interest wavered away. This happens when the opposite person is not genuinely looking for a commitment. There can be instances that now they take longer to reply than before or wait for a day to get back to you. Or even worse, the conversations hit a dead-end. Your partner does not take it forward and you keep trying but have to stop sometime as the conversation gets meaningless without mutual interaction. This is where you get a reality-check and probably you should address this to get clarity on where your relationship is headed to.
Acts pretentious and doesn’t allow to break the ice
Ever since you have started dating a person, have they been talking about themselves and how they are their best versions of themselves at work? Do they often talk about professional life about they handle difficulties? It is one aspect to share your professional life but another to keep going all day long about it. It is very likely that is person is self-absorbed and looks at ways where they could show that they outdo you in work. Such behaviours can stem from deep-rooted insecurities. Moreover, such pretentious behaviours keep the ice between you two intact, not allowing you to get comfortable with each other.
Brings up trauma and emotional wounds from their previous relationship
Once you start liking a person and open up to them, you would want to be true to them about your feelings and vice versa. While it is absolutely fine to share and express how for your partner to share how they have been let down and hurt by their ex, it is not a healthy practise that you are bombarded with their past, haunting experiences every time you meet and look forward to making merry memories with them. Chances are that the person has not healed and moved on from their previous experience. If not discussed and solved, this might trigger further problems as you proceed.
At Betterhalf.ai, find a person who aligns with your interests and wavelength as our artificial intelligence connects and predicts relationships based on your compatibility. So what are you waiting for? With India’s cafes and restaurants opening up, you could also take your chat further and set up a date!